Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
