i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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