I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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