ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
