everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Randomize
