I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
