I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
