paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
