Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
