there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
