My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
