Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
