fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
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