Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
