i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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