you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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