Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
