My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
