Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize