Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
