So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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