K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
please come you make the beer taste better
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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