True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
