Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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