he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
