Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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