omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
