Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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