I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize