When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
