Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Randomize
