I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
