dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
