I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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