do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize