You don't have asthma, your pregnant
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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