Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
