If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
