The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
