I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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