Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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