You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
