I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Who died my cat blue again?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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