I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
