shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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