your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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