I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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