At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
