Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
dude. I can hear the air.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
