if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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