Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
