I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
