Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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