I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
