the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
