If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
tequila makes me forget i have legs
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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