as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
