Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
